The Man Laws

A few years ago Miller Lite had a series commercial with a bunch of dudes sitting at a table debating "Man Laws." I always liked these commercials and felt they never made enough of them. The writing was spot-on and got me laughing every time. When I was driving up to school on Sunday, in the middle of a light rain shower, I noticed the windshield wipers on the cars around me and came up with a new Man Law. Even though it was more like a light drizzle, other drivers insisted on setting their windshield wipers to the "high on cocaine" setting. You know the setting. It's the one used by people who sit hunched over their steering wheels frantically trying to see between the speeding wipers which inhibit visibility more so than the rain. Their the people who have three or more bumper stickers on the car. Their the people who drive twenty miles per hour slower than the posted speed limit or slam on their brakes when they see a police officer even when they aren't speeding. To be frankly honest, I'd get dizzy sitting behind the wheel with windshield wipers moving so fast. And this got me thinking about how a man would handle the situation.

When there's light rain, a driver has no reason to set their wipers to a setting that could potentially tear off a hand if it got in the way or impale a tree (or person) if the blade was improperly attached. Not only does it pose a potential hazard to trees, fingers or curbside novelties i.e. roadkill, billboards, parked cars- it just makes the driver look like a fool. The measure of a man is how slowly he sets his windshield wipers during times of inclement driving conditions. Is this smart? Safe even? Not at all, but when it comes to Man Laws, prudence doesn't exist. I remember sitting in the backseat of my mom's car after leaving my grandma's on one rainy Sunday afternoon. At a red light we got stopped next to a dude in a Ford Taurus. There's nothing manly about a late model Taurus so his man card was practically non-existent, however, in the middle of a torrential downpour this guy's windshield wipers were at a steady intermittent setting. It was at this young age I realized the impact windshield wipers have on a man's image. While everyone else around had wipers on the "OMFG I can't see for crap," setting, this guy was calm and composed. So right after "Eat a Taco Bell Grande Meal (#10) by yourself" or "Never use acronyms such as OMFG or LOL in daily conversation" add, "Never use windshield wiper on the highest setting, ever" to the Man Laws.